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Last week, when we left the Presidential Sweepstakes, we could see that the Democratic Party’s “Ticket of the Century” had to be Clinton - Obama, a real groovy political couple (unless you don’t like either one to start with). The odds are that they can be de-railed only by the Dems’ well-known habit of fighting among themselves. And that isn’t likely. Who would object? — the women’s block?, the African American block? No, only Bill Richardson’s Latino camarilla could cause trouble, and they could be promised something, say the Attorney General spot in the new regime.

So there we are. But what are the Republicans going to do about this Dream Ticket? They can’t all go back to running oil companies. One thing in their favor is that they’ve always been better than the Dems at solving family feuds out of sight, like the rumbling impasse they had back in 1920 until Mark Hanna found them a nice smoke-filled room and trotted out that giant of statesmanship, Warren Harding. Oh, you say he was not a statesman? No problem. He looked like one and got elected, didn’t he? They’re not near the smoke-filled room stage yet — and smoke-filled anythings aren’t legal anymore — but they can always use a back room at the White House.

Let’s look at the prospects. First off, we have to ask: Why are there so many of them when their party’s chances are so slim — probably the slimmest since 1932? But then, that’s what they said about Harry Truman.

Plenty of Contenders

O.K., starting at the top, there’s Rudy Giuliani, the front-runner. He’s the Big Man right now, and his backers seem to be willing to excuse his serial-marriages, but the party can’t overlook a much worse sin — he’s WAY too liberal. Next in line is Mitt (his real name) Romney, “Mr. Clean” of the campaign, with only one wife. He was once too liberal back in Massachusetts, but he now says he didn’t really mean it and flip-flopped just in time. Sorry, Mitt, but sooner or later you will go down as “The Chameleon Candidate.” Now, we come to that old Freedom Fighter, John McCain, and who can be against a guy who spent six years in a Viet Nam prison? Also, he’s only had two wives. He’s the only active candidate who is loyal to his Commander-in-Chief — and that’s why he’s already going downhill in the polls. However, you still have to admire his ability to stonewall reality in Iraq, which isn’t all bad, because that’s why the party faithful may still reward him, since stonewalling has been the Ultimate Virtue of this administration. There you are. No clear winners yet.

Ah, but here comes the Darkhorse, Fred Thompson, the “Aw Shucks” contender, clean as a hound’s tooth and twice as smart. The back room boys haven’t found anything damaging about him — yet. They started out dismissing him as “only an actor,” but Whoops! they’d almost forgotten about that guy named Reagan. However, give them time; they’re find something bad about him. The rumor is that they are watching him as he comes off planes to see if he stops in a Men’s Room.

No, so far Mother G.O.P. has only shown a knack for eating her own. And the “same old, same old” isn’t going to work. She needs a Brilliant Surprise or this election is going to be a re-run of Hoover vs. Roosevelt. They need to show that even Republicans can have new ideas. And, you will be glad to hear, I have the answer for them. Yes, they need a new image, and the tools for this transformation are right in their hands, even though they haven’t recognized them yet. Since diversity is the favorite buzzword these days, the Republican party must become The Party of Diversity. (It may not win the election for them, but hey!, you can’t have everything. After all, Goldwater’s defeat in ‘64 set the stage for Reagan’s victory and laid the groundwork for a generation of conservative resurgence.)

One Obvious Choice

After the current unbroken line of disappointments with all these white, male re-treads, they can blow away the naysayers with the Ultimate Break-Through. When the Clinton-Obama camp claims “Check”, the Party of Diversity can answer “Checkmate” with the obvious choice: CONDOLEEZZA RICE for PRESIDENT! There you have it — you heard it first here. Is that a Brilliant Surprise or what!? You see, the brilliant part is that Condi Rice gives them two points in the diversity game. She is (in case you didn’t notice) a black woman. Not only that, she has been one of the most loyal supporters of the party’s standard bearer, George W. (one of the few left). Seriously, Condi has done a pretty good job as Secretary of State, showing spurts of independence and even more amazing, acting as if some of our foreign friends are worthy of respect. Also, she has never been seen entering a Men’s Room at an airport.

Well, we’re going on too long (again), so the really Brilliant Surprise will have to be put off one more time. Come back next week.

– Vic Jose

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Vic Jose :: Sep.24.2007 :: Uncategorized ::

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